Crying Shame

I’ve always been more comfortable crying in private, but at the same time I have not always had that choice. There was a time in my life where the crying just happened—everywhere. I was powerless to it, and it was often so severe you would have thought a dear relative of mine had died. More often than not, there wasn’t any reason I was crying (unless you count the anxiety, depression, and med changes). I still cry a lot more than the average person probably does—I cry every night. Here’s the thing though-- being able to cry privately is one of the greatest gifts I have.

Let me put it this way—when I started having Tourette’s symptoms, I felt I had lost a great deal of my sense of privacy. This is not easy for me to say, but I’m saying it anyway—many simple stressors drive my Tourette’s. When I tic, there is actually often a reason for it—I’m tired, I’m nervous, I’m sad, I’m angry, I’m annoyed by that person who keeps clicking their pen over and over again—you name it, I react to it. So when I tic, I often feel like I’m giving my hand away. While most people can hide the fact that something is bothering them at least to some degree, I have very little control over it.

So now imagine a person who not only tics, but cries uncontrollably too.  There is at that point no denying that something is bothering them. So with that said, I can’t tell you how nice it is that both the crying spells and the Tourette’s symptoms are so much more easily controlled than they used to be. They exist, but many days I can closet them.

This isn’t to say I will always closet my tears—I have learned that there are times that that can do more harm than good. But it says something that I have come this far in my journey; that I am capable of recognizing when I need a shoulder to cry on, while being able to cry alone when I need the isolation.

Progress, my friends. Progress.